Videos

Milton Elementary Parent/Family Night - September 17, 2020 - Joelle van Lent

Added Oct 09, 2020 •

Copy this URL:
Embed code:	<iframe class="edlio-embed-player" type="text/html" width="640" height="360" src="//mes.mtsd-vt.org/apps/embed/?v=295359" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> Change dimensions

Joelle Van Lent helps faculty, parents, and guardians understand resilience during these troubling times.

Show Transcript

good evening everyone by Chan one of the mes assistant principals are all in this together all of our people start to the year we've invited her here tonight to share some strategy presentation please give a coordinates for the weekend Easter family alright everyone I'm happy to be here with you I'm going to share my screen so what I was hoping that we can do is sort of share maybe three ideas that I have you know in sort of typical times I think about how we can promote the resilience of our children and situations to do over the past several months is actually take off information I have tried a narrow it down into what are the most important things that we actually it turns out that if we remind ourselves what we know about stress and what we know adversity the things that we do have control over in the things that we do have influence on actually are more meaningful in terms of the way that these kinds of things impact us so I basically have three ideas I want to share with you when our children are facing powerful emotions so as I share each of these ideas wanted a time and then is that while I'm doing that questions in the chat or you'll have, that connection I'll pause after each idea and see if people might be willing to unmute so the first thing I want to talk about then is what do we know about stress and how can that help us now so basically what we know about stress is that when we are faced with like a stressful event specific like let's say you're driving somewhere important to the family and you get a flat tire in your on the side of the road and you have a flat tire you would respond to that happen is that your brain is set up to release certain hormones to help you shift your focus and attention and the way that you're acting to help you survive to help you succeed so what happens is automatically without you having to do anything you shift your focus you get what we would think of it self just yourself and then you get really focused on the Justice situation so you're focused on me myself in this moment only you kind of forget about other temporarily you forget about how what you're doing and text you in the future then you get kind of rigid has to do with like the way your brain is trying to help you process information so if you're on the side of the road and you have a flat tire and information is coming at you people are talking to their stuff on the radio your phone's ringing cars are going by your brain is going to take all that information and it's going to make it very quick to stay information in categories in anything that your brain thinks is not relevant to your immediate problem it's going to get screened out what that ends up looking like is that we get narrow focus and rigid in our thinking it also explains this phenomenon that many of us are having right now where you might go into a room of your house and in fact have no idea why you've gone there right I don't know but like you know think about how and why that might happen if you have a more stressed brain like let's say that you're thinking about your kids restarting school and you're wondering how they're going to cope with that and how this is going what's it going to be like for them to wear a mask and are they going to be okay and so here while you're doing that list that you're doing something like cooking dinner so you're making spaghetti for your family and your thinking about your kids going back to school and then you realize that you need like spaghetti you don't have to go to the other part of the house restore extra food you walk in the pantry you look around and you realize that you in fact have no idea why he's gone there How could somebody forget from one part of the house your brain is trying to solve this problem of my kids are returning to school I'm worried they'll be okay spaghetti sauce basically screens that out because the main problem at hand so actually to try to help you so basically this is how we respond to stress and it would be no problem at all if it were a short crisis flat tire we just focus on this moment we get the problem solved get back on the road to calm down and in a short. Of time you're back to think about other people think about the future problem the problem comes when we are stressed in like an ongoing long-term we are all in a higher level of stress in a long-term way this is now going on six months we respond in a long-term stress as we do to the problem here is it can start to get confusing for us and for our kids when are we responding in a certain way because of stress and when are we responding in a certain way because of like we are so what we want to try to do as a family as a school Community I talked to your teachers and School staff about this alot is trying to recognize when somebody is doing something understand so basically you might see I seen your kids look like irritability grumpiness anger on the baby too high and they have a hard time bringing I'm so pissed for unmotivated unable to see things from other people's perspectives so all of that would actually be a sign of stress so when we noticed the signs of stress what we want to remember is this notice it in your cell you want to remember this is not who I am this is how I express dress same thing with our kids it's not who they are as how they express just try to do what I call step over the behavior and try to be curious about what's causing the behavior and connect with them around that so now that we thought about that like stress shows up right and it shows up in all of these ways except sometimes not seem like it's obvious that it's stress especially if it's prolong then the question is what can we do about it so what we know from research is that actually a stressful event such as a pandemic such as the car accident such as someone that you love being sick a stressful event doesn't actually predict how we are impacted or our experience the event doesn't show in park what products are outcomes is how the stress is pattern in our experience with your kind of living through this stress so basically what we know the distress comes in a predictable moderate controlled way it makes us stronger we become more resilient and we have what we think of is a higher stress tolerance so we actually can got stronger without straps and so examples of that would be you know if your child goes to kindergarten from preschool if your child goes to summer camp for the first time I tried out for a sports team the new experience so those are all positive life are predictable meaning there their mom is moderate because it's about positive life and it's controllable meaning it's a move through these kinds of Life Experiences so even if they create what looks like high anxiety they actually make us stronger and overtime as we Face life challenges like this more stress tolerance which means we can stay functional and higher and higher amounts of stress so we try not to protect your kids from these kinds of stressors because it's good for them streaming pro-law it can make us more vulnerable and become sensitized to stress do we have a bigger reaction to smaller and smaller so the reason I'm bringing this a great example because it's something that is patterned in this life and that is nothing I can do about that well interesting the research shows that when there's a lot stress right now so here are the things that the research shows when children live through prolonged stress what is the patterning that's going to matter for that so here's some of the examples that are like Siri key points of what we can control so first of all limiting media and news so the news right now is really upsetting it's the news might have something that would go from covid-19 update to the wildfires out west to a hurricane in the southern part of our country to a very complicated political situation you know anti-racism important efforts but also upset images related to that on the news global climate change all of this information is really overwhelming fake stuff and it goes right for the one of the things that we can control for ourselves first as adults is how're we accessing news media so we want to stay in form and that's an important thing but we also want to make sure that it the suggestion is right now media sources that you trust your access to a couple sources and temporarily maybe screen out the rest and then you access news updates every morning for a half an hour you know we watch the news when we get updated evening newspaper or listen to the radio and that's everyday in the morning and predictable I'm ready for it so when I get stressed something that I get more which means you'll be able to stay functional and then what we want to do is filtered down for kids how are we keeping them informed so we take this information and we try to limit on Eno excessive detail or just non-stop media that comes in the house so you might decide I'm going to form the radio on all afternoon desensitizing then resilient and the byproduct is that you are the  job which impacts your kids and they don't have any filtering so we do want to have conversations with our kids about all these big things that are going on so that you can connect and that should also be scheduled and routine what are you would take a walk with your child and you would talk about that would be the time that you save some of these conversation it will build their it will build up their ability to have her conversation because it get it comes with this predictable way were they can kind of anticipated sleeper teams are incredibly important if your kids are in hybrid where there two days a week in person and the rest of the week learning remote a very similar sleepers send sleep routine wood for at least 5 days a week so that they can be no their body can adjust to that I can be alert and awake it's going to stress our kids if they sleep very differently on the 2 in person days and all of the other days it will take weeks to adjust rather than it really will impact. ability and that ability to focus for a longer amount of time there's really strong research that shows that family sitting down for meals together on a regular basis makes a big difference in terms of stealing predictable we know exercise is a big deal movement I'm getting up and out especially if your kids are on screens more than you would like getting up and out becomes even more play and social connection hugely important for people of all ages is that we actually find are resilient when we play when were when were allowed time to be creative and snacks through play please find Joy creativity that counteracts on the stress of situations like this so I'm going to stop my screen share and come back side probably not too many Thomas in the chat yet so I would invite people to unmute and ask questions or write a question in the chat if you have it about what we're talking about so far it's also really helpful if you have a connection to any of the points I making you to write that in the chat that's often helpful for people to see those kind of can no one wants to be The Brave One we have a common I appreciate sleep awesome so far people are saying turn off suggestions to sleep pattern comment okay great well I was going to ask since I have a 50 sing what the 5-day week pattern being flooded does that mean on weekends that is so the way our bodies are designed is that ideally you would wake up and go to sleep at about the same time everyday but at what we know is that we're actually going to if you're really tired by Friday so you sleep in on Saturday and then you go to bed a little bit later on Saturday rhythm in are in a sort of neurological and so the problem with hybrid if it's I'm 2 days a week in person and then you're not on the other five days is that majority of your right is often differ so then it makes you really irritable and I'm so hard when on just two days a week are waking up earlier so we know that we should all start adjusting to the schedule wait until the first day of school and then it's like a really rough like 3 or 4 days and then we're kind of over it and we adjust and we're all We're Off to the Races what am I worth this fall is that we're just going to adjustment and so it would be really helpful to think about that so I'm seeing some questions in the chat with him really appreciate ideas for limiting screen time for teenagers so the trick to limiting screen time that would be enticing or fun so basically you know obviously we want to set parameters and we as the adults in the home that limits and parameters on how much screen the first thing you want to do is follow the same parameters yourself so everyone in the house adults included should be following the basic screen time limit because that's just healthy balance the second thing would be to figure out what are you going to do when you're not on the screen and make sure that there are other options available like we're going to play would leave the house to do might not be happy so creating is a family of brainstorm of what will we do when we're not on the screen on this week or today and I think what a lot of families are fine is that teenagers might have been stopped reliant with entertaining themselves up to having to entertain them and help them find something to do like we might have had to do when they were five years old because their world has sort of options have changed their not as good at coming up with that on their own but they will be really good at kind of trying out the new ideas if we offer them and do them with them limiting screen yeah I mean I think that it's sort of like I don't know I reference this movie a lot and I don't know how many people but I think about Field of Dreams if you build it so your family started has to go through an uncomfortable. Of time where you have limited screen time and if you have to work in that discomfort for a couple weeks before you've created what is going to replace if you don't create the space it's unlikely that they'll come up with alternative if that's like a go to that they can just drift back to so it is sort of just decided it's going to be hard and itchy I'm working from home with kids and so you create that space and then it actually makes it harder for you to get done what you need to get done but that's where I think we just have to start a elytra discomfort and you'll notice that actually other things start emerging I would say if you feel like you need to make that shifts the sooner the better because it will only be harder in the winter right you know and so I would definitely jump on that now great great awesome thank you Erica okay I'm going to go back to my screen appreciate all the comments that people have as we move forward as parents who were in this together it's okay if you fall apart sometimes tacos Fall Apart so this is hard and we are not going to be perfect as we move through it I could spend the rest of our time together sharing examples of my less-than-perfect mom moment he probably didn't come on to that so I won't write so we want to think about then what are when we are with our kids or our other family members or our co-workers or people in in our lives in other ways when you're with someone who is experiencing powerful emotion what is your job what is your role and I have really good news for you no matter what it's the same we want you to show up listen and Don't Fit Don't focus on fixing the Focus your effort and energy on just being present so what do I mean by that our role when someone is experiencing powerful negative emotion is not to provide immediate relief culture the Amazon order it is on your doorstep in a couple days culture is designed based on this idea that we should be able to have immediate release and it's misleading and actually there's some people who are doing some really interesting research on the emotional intelligence of our kid that are worried that's actually moving our kids away from us so we can actually use opportunity of adversity that we all have to deal with like it or not to actually make us stronger our focus is not on providing relief the good news about the problem so it's really good that you're not supposed to take the problem because a lot of times you can't so there's four steps of this give you an a silly example from my life this Summer that kind of models these four steps so basically what we want you to do is help hot words to what they're feeling practice naming a try to practice even if it doesn't make any sense to strengthen our connection to them model healthy coping now here's something that I watch really loving dedicated adults do all the time that's a mistake you ask your kid what they're feeling and then you ask them to tell you why we don't very good job explaining why that is much more productive to do later we're just moving so here's my quick story just to kind of give you an exact I tried these four steps cuz I was doing a lot of reading about this summer so this summer I was hanging out with some of my family and my cousin was visiting with her four-year-old daughter and the rest of my family so we were all hanging out relaxing dinner time so my husband went in the kitchen to make homemade pizza for us for dinner so the four-year-old says what's for dinner I'm starving so I said oh we're having pizza and she was like I love I love cheese pizza and I was like Grace will make you a cheese pizza now I forgot that when you're for here cheese pizza a very specific type of cheese looks so we're hungry we're excited we're waiting pecans I get to Pieces a hand wants my little four-year-old cousin and I'm expecting joy and she looks at it she throws her head back and she starts wailing and I was like that's like a lot of emotion write 2 as soon as that happens all the other people around started like talking to each other like really fast they were like oh my God she's freaking out what do we do there like we have the exact brand of chicken nuggets okay so in the summer I had no chicken nuggets so I said to her first thing is put words to it so I was like are you mad and she was like no I'm really sad so then I just validated it I was like we were hungry didn't look like sorry so that strengthen connection I was like I'm going to stick with you we'll figure it out so I waited a few seconds and then she said no we're not going to have chicken nuggets tonight tonight so then I was trying to think how could I model healthy coping right so I was like I'm just going to show her what I would want her to do right I don't want her to weigh all over cheese pizza to try it so I said to her eyes and then decide how I feel about it so I took a bite and I was like oh it's pretty good and then I wait she takes a bite and then she eats three pieces and we're all joyful again so it sounds like a trivial example but it's actually a big deal because if you think about it this four year old is going to live for at least a year of her life in a situation where the adults are more stress because we're all in a pandemic and the reality you probably all know that what I just said is what you should do it's harder to do it when your stress it's harder to with English Richie's Pizza when you're stressed it's easier to just make the chicken nuggets because you're exhausted and you want to just solve this problem and move on and be able to deal with your next so we are all a at risk that we have to dig deep and we have to do this because if you overtime too often solve the problem by taking the problem away the child over and over again is when you have big feelings even if they're over something like cheese pizza the way that is you Wale and then you wait and someone has to come and change your circumstance to make you feel better if we do that too much we make that child less self-reliant more dependent on other people less able to self-regulate indirectly communicating so we have to change the circumstance is your strong enough you're strong enough to move your desk where you can cope with these kinds of things whether there is Trivial is cheese pizza or much bigger we teach resilience Motion Center in small and big moments when we move through the small moments with them they're more prepared for those big things that we hope for our kids aren't going to come until later in life always have control over when these big losses are challenges come so these are the moments that are really important so there's a man who does research on this call Dan Siegel and he wrote a book the whole brain child it's one of my favorite parenting books I read it but I just explained in really user-friendly ways the whole brain child and he has this expression called name it to tame it what he says it when we are frightening experiences when we literally come to terms with they often become much less frightening when we help our children know what Dan Siegel explains about the sign spot what questions are connections you have so it's not when we're asking our kids to try to find the words for how they're feeling we're not just helping them that's really great for communication what is other fascinating thing is that our brain has a apart that's emotionally driven and then we have a part that's more thoughts ribbon and the thoughts ribbon art helps us problem-solve are cells down thinking to the Future access memories that could help us solve problems in your suggestion so when you're feeling big emotion and you tried you get back the part of your brain that actually is going to help you thinkin problem solved and it actually cut your brain gets connected and function better so it's this amazing thing research were naming it actually helps you know I like a calming off function and a function that helps you get back to the ability to problem-solve so I could talk about that all night anyway I will pause for a minute I have he likes my chicken nugget versus cheese pizza story you know my thoughts too well and you know it's not just with children and took the dogs to but it makes me think about that it at any given moment when somebody is reacting if it's often not a result of something that you're doing right how difficult that can be in the moment add a recipient and and then not react in a way that then you know my continue to perpetuate that that situation and you know I think that's the Human Condition right and it and it's about all of us training our brains to really think about housing and and where might this person be coming from what kind of questions are how can I start to reframe my own reaction to episode of understand and making it worse we all face is such a good because right now especially given that we're all sort of our bubbling stress higher-than-normal is that we're getting reactions from people more often that feel confusing or on make it feel very personal rate but it but it isn't you know and so sometimes I don't do that too because you we get confused as we're feeling things and so there's an expression that comes from someone who quit taking it personal, Chris Network whatever if you remember cute taking it personal more often than not it has nothing to do with you and you're going to waste precious resource taking it personal and be less effective and kind of helping them through the situation the other thing that can if I were with my teenager and she was stealing big-name what she was feeling I would also kick the part of my brain this more curious and more able to problem-solve and I would move myself away from the emotional part of my brain so when were curious when people are doing something that we don't expect or understand we ask ourselves I wonder I wonder what they're stealing your you're getting more strengthening the part of your brain that's going to help you problem-solve and calm rather than the part of your brain is also going to get you emotional emotions so I can start feeling what somebody else would like one of my superpowers is feeling what the people around me are feeling a lot of H2 if I if I wonder I wonder I start moving out of that place where I'm just overwhelmed by that emotion yeah the book I mentioned was the whole brain child by Dan Siegel maybe if I could type that in the chat for us the whole brain child by Dan Siegel thank you I'm going to share you when I'm sitting in a car at taekwondo that because I'm so fortunate that I've already done training with that I was able to apply like the chicken nugget pizza before school started but like for us my family my husband and I are both Canadian we are I call it we've been trapped now for we haven't seen her family for life 5 months and so is the same thing I'm at a party I'm dropping off a girl scouts and I'm like I stepped but I snapped because earlier that day they extend the Border closure for another month so I had to go back and link to her later it's not you you know I was upset I got bad news cuz she took it personally like that Q-tip like she took it personally she's like it's all what did I do I said you didn't do anything but you want to socialize and do things in normal yet because we don't get to see our friends and our family so I don't feel like having people come over and I don't feel pressure to having you invite yourself over but it was not I handled it wrong but then I felt I had to explain to her why that was my reaction it wasn't anything to do with her I'm just not in a social and every you know phone call with grandparents my kids are crying because I haven't seen any of their grandparents for 9 months like if you're not living that I don't know if you can understand that right now yeah like what do I have to do wear a t-shirt that says were depressed like we miss family like don't ask for Playhouse for just not there yet going back to school was hard enough and today felt like the Monday at 9 on Monday after having yesterday we are back in the house again we're just everybody I mean sure you said it to like we're both but we're all in the car but some of us are at different points and it's hard to explain to everybody reaction to something now isn't what your reaction would have been you know six months ago you just made two really really important points the first one is that because we're all stress remember when I went through like here I'm going to actually go back chart of how do we respond to stress so we are more inwardly focused and we're less aware of other people's perspectives do we have to start a remember that like actually people are got it generally right now we aren't as good as we might otherwise understanding people in perspective oriented kind of tell somebody you you took the time to go back explain your situation from your perspective to the other person and so that I think we just need to as you did dig deep take a deep breath and share your perspective with you a person because you know we're not as good at that right now because we're all stressed that we just people Grace by understand you probably don't understand for my perspective really important is that it isn't about being perfect like remember this is our motto right if it's okay if you fall apart sometimes tacos fall apart and we still love them it's not about being perfect it's about how do you respond when you're not so let's say that I didn't respond well to my child and I lost my patience with my child so I would Circle back around in I'm really sorry how are you doing like let's let's talk through and we'll try that again what kids learn then is it they're not supposed to be perfect make mistakes they learn from our modeling how to Circle back and repair that a known that in fact and so I think it's it's kind of exhaust part of exhausting about life right now is that we are having all these interactions are kind of taking more work but I think really important it was just a comment earlier about emotional intelligence and the kids emotions when the iron is cool with great gas exactly so I'm coming then we can look at this list which includes this idea strike while the iron is called so basically they're stressed through behaviors or unexpected shutdown whatever it might be the first thing that we're going to do then is we're going to remember that this Behavior the context or it is not visible to me I don't understand why this is happening so we are going to in that moment when you believe that the behavior is inspired my stress and if you don't know give the benefit of the doubt he stepped over the behavior for now you're curious about why that might be happening which helps you not take it personally and move out of your emotional brain Ed Sheeran Thinking problem-solving part of your brain and then you want to try to figure out is there an unmet needs meet that need total we have this expression Co regulate which basically just means that you try to calm yourself so you can Inspire, the other person so if I were with fire and he were really upset he was upset about something in like trying to tell me the story and really upset I would actually work on calming myself. not calming side down first first I would just take some deep breaths I would try to talk more calmly that's what we call Co regulate we can be two people are always in sort of an emotional dance with each other and you want to be distraught and you do that by calming yourself and bringing them for you and you would notice as I started talking more softly so would he but if I don't pay attention I will actually he would be the stronger dance partner I can use fire as an example because he's pretty even so strike while the iron is called if you wanted to address that you would actually want to because we do a much better job at looking at our behavior and how we could replace it or what might have been better when we're cool and Cobb and Milton had a family night last year was Joe and who is a local expert in anxiety like if your child doesn't want to go to school you shouldn't be talking about going to school at 7 in the morning of the day of school you should be talking about going to school like Saturday afternoon when you can look at the problem with some distance a part of your brain how you're going to approach it in a one of the most impactful things that she said during that parent training and Ice held onto that strike while the iron is called ideas seems really important so okay I can tell you another silly story from my summer explain how this might work in this example I did not have my wits about me so you'll enjoy this okay this summer I was doing nothing most of the summer so I was like bored because most of what we do as a family wasn't really happening I'm not really that big of a problem that anyway that was what was happening so I was making a lot of salads doing a lot of cooking hang out at home my husband makes a helpful suggestion he was like hey you're just making all these beautiful it's maybe we should get some like salad like some news and I was like yeah let's gets out so then what happened is I got weirdly excited about buying salad bowls right like this is what you like you live through a really hyper focused on on silly things right so I'm like like way into buying salad bowls I go out I get the salad bowls I'm like incredibly excited about like they were inexpensive I wasn't doing much this like excitement in my life I get home I got my salad I'm weirdly excited about them and show them to my husband I was like okay that's so she just simply makes an observation he was like oh those are smaller than I expected okay so now Joelle goes from weirdly excited about to Furious right now so I returned them in will never enjoy salad again like what is even going on right so then my husband can demonstrate for us the steps in terms of how he responded so he doesn't understand why I like a jerk about salad but he doesn't react to the behavior and he doesn't take it personal he's having a perfectly good day I wasn't he doesn't need to take on my bad day so he steps over the behavior and he says are you okay what's going on he's curious and doesn't react to the behavior and actually connect and I was able to kind of recognize that my emotions had they have to do a things that are meaningful to us this Summer that aren't happening so we were able to connect around that later on we couldn't he could have struck while the iron is called later on he could have said hey let's not take this out on each other and I will medieval to hear that in the moment when I was feeling the powerful emotion if he had said why you being a jerk about salad bowl I probably would have been more of a jerk about salads right so the plan is we step over the behavior in the moment and we connect and we're curious and we tried it on help people and then later we can go so it's it's not about ignoring the behavior not addressing the behavior it's about what is the sequence and you know in a situation like what we're all going through right now more often than not it is going to be about Fireweed so here's my last idea that I wanted to share and then see what fine so I've been fascinated in the past 6 months to use me re-read a bunch of information about how do stressful events as I said at the beginning of this hour actually the event itself doesn't predict in any way shape or form how we're going to be impacted by something it's in part pattern and also it's in part the meaning that we make so the research shows that the meaning that you make of a stressful experience has more influence on how resilient you are to people can vote for example in a car accident or Lyft and they can have very different outcomes enlarged heart because of the meaning of it the good news about that is that the mean is something that we can have so you want to think about how is my kid doing so there I would say that the best indication of how your kid is doing comes from the story their writing about what is the story that the merging of 20/20 and then you want to ask what is our family narrative how is our families during 2020 and there's so much good news about this first of all we have more the situation itself secondly it's it's a something that can change over time it's not an emergency if I have a family member who has a really worrisome story just something I noticed and try to influence and change gradually over time and I can change it with my story my story will influence the story of people that I love group so resilience story for one person and a group of people so this would go for like at Milton Elementary School each person that works there and goes to school there has their own story and then there's a selective narrative Community has a story so overtime a resilient story shifts Focus to what we can control in March most of us were focused on what we could not control that makes them run through April now in September we should all be more focused on what we can control and what we can't in our efforts should be there we should be balancing validation for negative impact weekend when we make room for all of it everything from I didn't get Summer Camp to a lost someone really important to me or what Katie shared we don't ask Pastor really important members of our family we make important and we start also balancing out attention to the positive so with their needs to be Me By Now six months equal attention to validating the negative and noticing the positive a resilient narrative predicts a positive outcome as we look to the Future looking ahead and seeing we're going to come out of this okay in some ways stronger there is going to be lasting impact but we are going to come through and out of this and then there's going to be things that are going to be okay we will get back to it and then Embrace his mistakes as opportunities to the adults in a community should be modeling that mistakes are offered to go back and repair or you learn from our mistakes and we don't expect Perfection especially during a stressful time for example if a child said to me something like if I said how are you like how are you doing and they were none of the things are happening like I can't even like you know we're not going to have like let's say my child's like you know we're not going to like sports all I enjoy and I think it's going to be a disaster like we're probably not even going to get Sports all year and you know I think of anything this good about this and so I'm just know. right in their story there's a lot of focus on what they can't control and there's a lot of focus on negative impact and they're predicting a negative outcome so all I would do first as I first listened to the story is I would validate what they're you so much for letting me know so the first tell I just listen I asked questions what would you be doing if you I would want to know more and ask questions and validate in a retail of the story you can reach her story in each time you read tell you ask questions to try to shift their attention to what they can control to what is good about us predict will be good again in the future so it's a it's a little bit of an art because you have to validate the story at first and just really listen and understand it and then overtime start asking questions. if there are tensions in their story that's may be stuck in a negative way and start on what I called bummed The Narrative which basically means that you're trying to bump it's fascinating to me that storytelling and has such incredible tradition in all cultures Global and in large part is because that's what that's what is also what helps them to be resilient you know through challenging time so it is something to just you know kind of think about and there's really wonderful stories that you can read on your library could definitely suggest stories to you that way you know stories of people moving through adversity and having positive outcome so those are all so you know really cool things to access your a little bit worried about you stop share questions or connections our thoughts people have I guess I'm the only one brave enough to talk tonight I don't know and I can't type fast enough so I know for me I'm an interventionist I know all this stuff I've done LSD I I know I have to think how am I feeling how are they I can't do it with my own kids and I have been with them for 6 months straight and I needed this tonight so I'll because I'm like I need to turn my mom hat like it's a whip to the back burner when school started again and I feel like I'm so good at a tuning into it like the kids I work with at school but sometimes when they're my own like I get hot and then you know my daughter who's now Middle School gets hot and in the six year olds in the middle of it and we just eat like I need to remember to like I do it at work why don't I do it at home I just think that you know they do have stories that they want to tell and they tell it again and again and I just yep great and like move on I have to start listening again what you're saying is something that all of us can absolutely relate to it just life is more tiring right now you know on anything that you do going to the grocery store is March super easy because that's going to allow me to have some resource strategy a lot of people is trying to reduce them right now Mike my six-year-old down at like to be like Mom I'm stressed I'm like no you weren't that for me because I'll tell you and like I can think of when we think of our story I'm like off we've been stuck here there's no good story but we do because we started reading Judy Blume we read all of fudge made my six-year-old tell you anything that happened in give those books and my husband who is not a reader I mean storytime turn out to be on the couch with everybody around instead of it tucked in bed because he wanted to know what happened at it like that's what got us through but until you reminded me what you you know that's just something that we didn't already well that's a great suggestion and reading a story of sometimes feels like it offers you a different level of of energy for being brave enough to share it, absolutely I just want to thank Angela lanter Milton Community I think I think spending this time together is very important and very meaningful I do want to put in a calendar clock that I we will have a follow-up event what you want on Thursday October 5th at 6:30 you're welcome you don't need to attend this event to attend next one will also make sure it's on all of our social media website is just a really wonderful. thanks everyone take care and night